If I understood the Noah movie correctly…

God tells Maximus to build an ark with his wife, the ass-to-ass girl from Requiem for a Dream, his son Percy Jackson, his daughter-in-law Hermione Granger, and two lesser sons, the Game of Thrones reject (aka Mr. Hermione) and the shrunken head of Emma Stone. And speaking of stone, Maximus gets some contractor help from Treebeard cosplaying as a pile of granite. Also stoned is Maximus’ grandfather and berry junky Hannibal Lector, who basically just whines that the younger generation never brings him cherries — an apt observation, as he also manages to get Hermione out of a production of Harry Potter and the Desolate Womb, if you get my drift. Hermione corrects his pronunciation of “cootchy ferTILus” but at least now she can do something useful. Congrats to Ron Weasley.

Just climb up on the berries here and let's let grampa Hannibal have a look
Just climb up on the berries here and let’s let grampa Hannibal have a look

Maximus’ opposition comes from the “This is totally not happening but if it does can we ride on your boat” party, led by Beowulf. When the rain starts (and I kept waiting for Maximus to say “when I give the signal, unleash Heaven” but he never did), the TITNHBIIDCWROYB Party charges in to get slaughtered by all the Treebeards, though Beowulf manages to cut a Beowulf-sized hole in the side of this totally seaworthy boat and stows away among the CGI animals — this immediately becomes less Bible and more Lost In Space.

Hannibal Lector, by the way, digs into the dirt and finally finds cherries and happily bites into them. He realizes that cherries don’t grow there and that he’s probably just eaten coyote poop, so he welcomes the flood waters with open arms. Also, Percy Jackson’s probably fertile 14-year-old girlfriend is left to get trampled by the angry mob because Maximus (paragon of men and only human worth saving) refuses to help her.

No, really! We'll totally bone! Just help me up!
No, really! We’ll totally bone! Just help me up!

Maximus learns that Hermione is pregnant and makes the odd choice to sacrifice the baby when it’s born, although it seems more efficient to just throw her overboard immediately. The idea is that God really wanted to eradicate ALL humans, and this group is only alive to make sure the animals live and then they die off, so Maximus is mad that God’s plans are getting thwarted by his sleazy old grandfather’s weird crotch magic. So he grumps around for the whole trip and tells everyone over and over that he’s going to straight up stab the crap out of that baby. Then a lot of things happen at once.

  • Hermione goes into labor during her second trimester, if the timing in the Bible is to be believed. She gives birth to twin girls, both of whom seem very large for babies that are four months premature. But still, two more girls around in case Percy Jackson and Emma Stone’s Head want to do it with their nieces in 12 years, tops.
  • The ark runs aground. The most lasting image of the Bible story is Noah releasing the doves and them returning with an olive branch. In this movie, when he releases the doves, they just walk to the side and hop off.
  • Beowulf decides to attack and murder Maximus. I don’t know why. Seems easier to just step off the ship and wander away to die alone. It doesn’t go all that well for Beowulf.
  • Maximus wimps out of sacrificing the babies even though Hermione does nothing to stop him — she finally realized she was a female in a Bible story and closes her damn mouth.

Everyone lives happily ever after, except for the uncounted multitudes of dead people. Maximus relates the story of creation from like five chapters earlier in Genesis, while a fast-forwarded montage of evolution shows on-screen but no one is really buying it. Percy Jackson, still surly about the death of his beloved girlfriend No Name Given, fails to imprint on one of the newborn girls even though they’re obviously old enough. (Thanks, Twilight.) He wanders off to be alone, since the bathroom doors don’t have locks on them. Maximus makes up with Ass2Ass even though she’s like 43 at this point and is useless for anything. He vows to try to try to sacrifice fewer of their grandchildren.

And of course all the animals are DTF.

There! I hope you were inspired. Maybe not inspired enough to change your ways, but inspired enough to think kindly on Waterworld in the future should the opportunity present itself.

Oh, but THIS is implausible?
Oh, but THIS is implausible?

Wow, that’s some good title-writing on my part. Sounds like a line to piss off your middle school nemesis.

By now, enough time has passed so I’m not worried about spoiling the hell out of the end of How I Met Your Mother. The ending pissed me off and I want to vent. I know it’s just a TV show, but it’s still long-form writing, and it still seemed like the writers think we’re dumb. Besides, most of the fun of pop culture is overanalyzing it later. You can expect no less from someone who does a Survivor podcast.

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Came across a thought experiment that might be fun. Not yet sure how I’d answer.

If you could change any one thing in history, what would it be?  A specific, single event. So no “I would make World War II not happen” but you could say “Have Hitler’s mom decide on a timely abortion.”

Shorty Hitler
Could you have denied the world this image? Actions have consequences.

The tricky part becomes “what are the repercussions of that?” If there is no Hitler, what is Germany like in the 1930s? Was the problem Hitler himself or did he fill a Fuhrer-shaped hole that would have been plugged by someone else had he not been there? And what happens to the rest of the world without WWII? The German scientists who fled Germany because of the Third Reich might not do so.  No Wehner Von Braun might mean no U.S. flag on the moon (at least not first).

Also, without the Nazis, Einstein probably doesn’t warn FDR about the German attempts to build the first atomic bomb, so the Manhattan Project doesn’t start when it did. If Germany, still smarting from WWI, gets the bomb first, then someone like Goebbels or Goehring or some other ethically questionable person manages to get in charge, would we now be wondering what it was like to have a London?

I don’t mean to fixate on WWII (and FWIW, I think a world sans Hitler is likely a net gain even if it is much different), but that’s an example of what I’m talking about. You are free to bump off Stalin too.

Do you try to prevent 9/11 and the two wars and all the nonsense that’s happened since? There are lots of ways to do it, but that keeps the U.S. off-guard and maybe the next attack is worse.

Do you keep JFK from being shot? Or MLK? Or RFK? Or Gandhi?

This occurred to me while watching the new Cosmos.  Do you keep Carl Sagan from getting cancer? Or do you drag Jim Henson to the hospital a month sooner with a note penned to him that says WARNING: STREPTOCOCCUS PNEUMONIAE?  Both are tempting. Twenty more years with either of them would have been nice. I think Carl would have enjoyed seeing the pics from Cassini.

Maybe something more personal? If you have a parent/spouse/friend/sibling/child who died tragically, do you undo that instead of risking the big move that might make things worse? If you yourself are in the grips of something awful, I don’t think anyone would judge you harshly for fixing that. The ghost of Gandhi would forgive you.

And how many Bama fans do I have to show this to before this gets undone?  Three?

It still makes me laugh

Like I said, I’m still thinking through it. Having a difficult time finding the right balance between being purely selfish and risking a major butterfly effect that ends all of humanity in a blaze of fire and pain and terrible music.

But I’m still curious if anyone else has ideas. Also, I’m going to go last to re-fix history undone by the Bama fans.

I have an important goal with this post: verifying my RSS feed is working after messing with it all weekend.

But also, I want to know something from you. If you were going to recruit one combat-ready organization to aid you in some military goal, which would you choose: Ewoks or Stormtroopers?

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I feel odd writing about this.

On Tuesday, Emily Yoffe at Slate wrote an article suggesting college girls shouldn’t drink so much if they don’t want to get raped. I’m sure it got a lot of hits, which was probably the point. As usual, it got a lot of people annoyed. And the people getting annoyed got a lot of different people annoyed. Then we all end up exactly at the same place every goddamn time.

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By now, anyone interested has seen Neil deGrasse Tyson’s slaps at Gravity’s science. There are other space nerds who have done the same. Leroy Chiao notes that Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are far too attractive to be astronauts, which is actually unfair — Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are far too attractive for almost anything.

I Googled "sexy astronaut" and got this. We are a terrible people.
I Googled “sexy astronaut” and got this. We are a terrible people.

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My apologies if this comes off a little macabre. You know how I am about sharing new experiences, and this was definitely a new one.

I promise I’m not going to keep going on about this. Maybe I need to see a nice, stupid movie to talk about…

You’re all aware of what happened with Arrow. I’ve had a lot of dogs in my life, but for whatever reason, this is the first time I actually had to make the hard choice. Sometimes they died unexpectedly, as with Vandal a few years ago. Other times it was my mom who made the decision because I wasn’t around or was too young.

Having now made that impossible choice, there are things I wish I’d known beforehand.

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It’s not like we weren’t warned this was coming.

Those of you who follow me here or on Facebook have seen me post about my dog Arrow. Specifically, the medical issues he’s been having for the last few months, mostly caused by being 16 years old. Arrow’s life had been growing increasingly burdensome, as it ultimately does for all of us who get very old.

This morning, it was clear he’d had enough. We quietly and peacefully set that burden aside.

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I said on Facebook that I was eager for the new royal baby to show up because he or she has no connection to the George Zimmerman business. I think we’re all ready for a not-short break from that.

But I thought about it while pounding on the treadmill. (That’s what you do to treadmills, right?) I think there’s a better option.

Prince Trayvon Juror B37 Middleton-Windsor

This is the perfect name. Sure, Trayvon is a boy’s name and Juror B37 is a girl’s name, but we only have one data point for each. The royal couple can be trendsetters.

Keep Calm and Smoulder On
Keep Calm and Smoulder On

King Trayvon (or Queen Juror B37, whichever) will be the most popular British monarch to Americans of all time — even more than that really hot one in The Tudors.

Maybe Prince William is playing a deeper game. Think how his father and grandmother will react. The Queen will simply explode (though more for the Middleton-Windsor part than anything else) and Charles will have a Rage-O-Cardial Infarction. William could become a father and the next king all on the same day.

The only danger is if Charles gets his hands on William’s throat before he has his coronary event. Kate would become a widow, she would skip the whole “Queen Consort” thing*, and jump straight to queen mum for the newborn King Trayvon. I don’t know if she would be regent until he turned 18. “Reached his majority” I think is the term. That should give her time to behead the shit out of some people.

For example, she could behead Prince Harry.  She would have to, because he would raise a rebel army with the battle cry “I say, chaps! I am bloody well not dipping the codgers to someone named Juror B37, toodle-pip!” We would have the first British dynastic wars since the mid-15th century.

Back in America, a civil war in England would be devastating. President Obama would frown a lot. Lindsay Graham would blame it on Benghazi. John Boehner would vow to condemn the bloodshed but then fail to get the House votes to do so. John McCain would get an erection so powerful he would literally turn himself inside out.

That is going to be some great television. And the whole thing would fall apart if Charles or the Queen got wind of it before the birth. They could have William drawn and quartered, making Harry only the third naked/drunk/Nazi-uniform-owning royal heir in British history. And we thought they weren’t telling us the name only to fuck with the media — admittedly, a good enough reason.

I will be very happy. Hail to the king, baby.

* As things stand now, Kate will be queen when William ascends the throne. She’ll be queen consort, which is a different bucket of peasants from what Elizabeth is (queen regnant). As the queen consort, she has the title but none of her husband’s power. Sort of like Prince Philip — except Philip can’t get the “king” title because he can’t be ranked above the queen in the actual line, since the people who thought the system up were big ol’ sexists.